Fullness or Emptiness?

Fullness or Emptiness? When I was sixteen years old, the most extraordinary thing happened to me. Late one night as I was talking with my mother, for no apparent reason I began to experience a completely new and unimaginable condition. My conscious- ness began to expand in all directions simultaneously and I experienced what could only be called revelation. Tears profusely poured out of my eyes and my throat repeatedly opened and closed for no reason. 1 was feeling completely overwhelmed and intoxicated by Love and was struck by a sense of awe and wonder that is impossible to describe. I suddenly knew without any doubt that there was no such thing as death and that life itself had no beginning and no end. I saw that all of life was intimately connected and inseparable. It became clear that there was no such thing as individuality separate from that one Self that was all of life. The glory and majesty in the cosmic unity that was revealing itself to me was completely overwhelming. I could hardly speak. My mother told me years later that I had said to her Fullness or Emptiness? al ihc lime not lo worry, thai I was nol unhappy, and ihat this used lo happen lo me often when I was a child. In the midst of this explosion 1 was struck by what seemed to be a message that came directly from the revelation itself. That message was: if you give your life to me alone you have nothing to fear. Disoriented, it took me several days to recover from the impact that this explosion had on my mind and body." From Autobiography oj an Aw/akening The effects of this unexpected, explosive visitation from the unknown left me stunned for days. As is often the case with miraculous and unanticipated events like this, eventually I found myself once again lost in the confusion and ambiguity of a historical and very personal relationship to life. In an individual who is not yet ready to fully respond to the staggering implications of the message given, brief encounters like these slowly settle to the bottom of consciousness, like a broken piece of mirror resting on the ocean floor that casts a faint but glimmering reflection of the light on the surface. Even though 1 was soon ensconced in the dream of my own life and history once again, that faint but glimmering reflection haunted me in my shallow relationship to life, as it often does for those individuals who have mysteriously stepped beyond the known without having had any clear intention to do so. It took six years of struggle and confusion, during which An [Imomhthmal RcUilumship to Life remained lost in the morbid condition of identifying prin- cipally with my own personal history, to finally bring me to my senses. Ready to respond at last, I had one intention and one intention only. To liberate myself unconditionally from fear, delusion and ignorance. To free myself from the excruciating state of emotional and psychological slavery that ceaseless meditation on the personal always is. And so 1 set out on my quest for liberation. 1 was a sincere seeker only because my intention was clear. But in spite of that, the goal of all spiritual seeking—enlightenment—remained vague and mysterious. This was something 1 spent a great deal of time trying to locate, figure out and understand. In fact, although 1 didn't know it at the time, it was to become the very essence of my life. The search for clear answers to difficult and often confusing questions has been and con- tinues to be my passion. This intriguing question—what is the goal of genuine spiritual seeking, what is enlighten- ment?— continued to perplex and concern me from the very instant that my intention to become free in this life became unconditional. How is it then that one who is sincere and who truly wants to know can find the answers to the questions: What does enlightenment look like ^nd feel like? The answers are not as abstract as they may seem. To know what enlighten- ment feels like, the sincere seeker must energetically and one-pointedly pursue the world of spiritual experience. Fullness or Emptiness? To know what enlightenment looks Hke, the sincere seeker must closely scrutinize those individuals who seem to have attained that goal themselves. And this is what I did. In order to find out for myself what the goal looked like, 1 closely observed the character of my teachers.

was seeking for guidance, and did so as many seekers do, through observing and then trying to emulate those qualities in my teachers that attracted me to them in the first place. Hungry for knowledge, 1 tried to see as many teachers as I could. Gradually though, over an eight-year period 1 became doubtful about following a spiritual role model. This was because I had become confused by the discrepancies

observed between the teachings that my teachers gave and the way they lived their own lives. Even though over time these discrepancies began to disturb me more and more, the pursuit of liberation was more important to me than anything else, and because of this 1 continued to seek guid- ance from those who had obviously gone farther than 1 had. In order to find out what the goal felt like, 1 experimented with different forms of meditation. The results were very powerful, inspiring and illuminating. 1 became a serious meditator, rarely missing a day, and was always fascinated and intrigued by the ongoing experience of looking beyond the known. At first 1 pursued practices oH kundalini voga that promised to reawaken the fullness and splendor of m\ awak- ening at sixteen. In fits and starts this did indeed occur, and An Umomluionul Kclalionship to Lijc at times I was even left swooning at the miraculous powers that these practices held. Experiences of powerful energy, bliss and at moments intoxicating love moved me deeply. Later, inspired by the possibility of diving deep into meditation for weeks at a time, 1 was exposed to the practice of Buddhist meditation, which to my amazement revealed a very different approach to the goal. The empha- sis was on the discovery of emptiness and clarity. Powerful experiences of insight revealed temporarily that the move- ment of thought was empty or selfless. A new perspective opened up to me: the potential of ultimately becoming free from the tyranny of the mind and the endless identification with memory. Insight into the causes of psychological and emotional suffocation were revealed to me in a new and thrilling way. I came to a point in my career as a seeker when the seem- ing differences between these approaches—the experience of fullness as goal and the revelation of emptiness as goal- troubled me. What was the difference between the experience of fullness and the discovery of emptiness? 1 thought about this question incessantly as 1 had tasted both experiences and had become confused as to which direction to follow. Even though 1 took every opportunity 1 could to ask differ- ent teachers this question, it was never answered to my satisfaction. 1 was at an interesting crossroad in my life because I knew that if I wanted to succeed 1 needed to put all my eggs in one basket, and yet was unsure which path Fullness or Emptiness? to pursue wholeheartedly. Also by that lime, the strong doubts I had as to whether to rely on any teacher for guid- ance on the path lo final liberation needed to he resolved. The direction I was leaning in was thai relying on anyone other than myself could be a great impediment. It was then that I met a little-known teacher named H. W. L. Poonja in Lucknow in northern India. Miraculously, in a very short time he revealed to me the answers to the two questions that had plagued me. First, his response to my question of fullness versus emptiness as final experience of the goal was simple and direct. He told me that they were ultimately one and the same. Hearing this relieved me of the burden of doubt and confusion that I had been carrying and released the hidden glory of all that had been revealed to me spontaneously fourteen years earlier. Secondly, the expression and manifestation of his character healed the disillusionment of the past. There seemed to be no dis- crepancy between his teaching and the way he lived his life, and he demonstrated to me in profound ways selfless love, wisdom and compassion. An Vmomhtional Relationship to Life