Part Two · Diary and Letters April – May 1986

Diary and Letters April - May 1986 "Murray, you should be the first one to read this letter since you brought him to me," Poonjaji said to me. It was a letter from Andrew, who had written from New Delhi. The following are extracts from that letter. Dear Master . . . I love you Master. T.he process has continued since I left you. Y.ou have entered me. I. am dying Master, and soon there will be nothing left. T.here is only joy and love. I. am somewhere beyond time and yet at the same time fully here. I. feel the cells in my body are changing. O.ther people can feel it. Y.ou and I are One. 4 After I read Andrew's letter Poonjaji asked me, "What do you think this means?" "He is a Free man," I replied. Poonjaji nodded his head with great happiness. He said, "This man's conduct has been proper from the beginning." Poonjaji said he was pleased that Andrew had left because he wanted to "test" him and find out what would happen while he was away. Having left Poonjaji, Andrew underwent an explosive transformation, which he described in his diary: At times the bliss that I would feel would seem almost unbearable. I thought that my body would not be able to stand the intensity of what I was feeling. Often at night, before sleeping, I felt it most strongly. I can only describe it as the actual physical experience of beginningless impersonal love-which is only the outward manifestation of the SELF-the Source and also the end of all that is-emptiness and fullness without limit, beyond concept, the living experience of beginningless endless BEING. It was even frightening at times as I realized that I was experiencing my own death. The Other was ALL and I saw that this was my own true SELF, and anything other than this was only illusory and had no inherent reality of its own. Only the SELF IS. This was lived. Andrew immediately started having an impact on people he met. He spent six days with a young Israeli woman named Orly, whom he had met in India a few months earlier. The bliss continued to come in waves, and now at times Orly also was having the same experience I was. I felt that my body could not withstand what was happening inside me. What had been happening to me continued on and off throughout each day, and her experience also grew in depth and intensity. At times we would share the fullness and bliss together. Indeed, at times we became one and there seemed to be no separation between us at all. Before my eyes I saw the illusion of her individuality fall away and it filled me with happiness. The second week away from Poonjaji Andrew went to Bombay to visit Alka Arora, an Indian woman whom he had met in India two years earlier and would later marry. Alka and I went to Elephanta Island together. The "Other" was there throughout the entire day. The feeling of absolute unity between the timeless and the relative felt more complete than ever before. I felt at once completely here and present, and at the same time totally away from and out of this world. In this there was total unity and integration. It was the Highest Bliss. There was no separation or division whatsoever. Absolute UNITY. I sat with Alka on the beach watching the sunset. In the enveloping darkness we both were one and felt the bliss of Freedom without limit. On leaving Bombay I felt no pain or anxiety in leaving Alka. The effortless detachment which had been with me since leaving Lucknow remained and I left feeling only the unbroken continuity of the present moment. Andrew arrived back in Lucknow on April 29th. On May 2nd he wrote the following letter to Alka: Dear Alka, Where to begin? Each moment continues to be enough-one long PRESENT moment with no gap or break in continuity. I realized tonight that I've been back in Lucknow for three days now-but somehow the sense of the passing of time has faded out of my life. The eternal present always seems to be so engrossing that I rarely dwell on the past or worry about the future. I'm just fully where I am and am not grasping in any way-all without any effort or will. A strange kind of effortless detachment has become my permanent companion. Since I've returned to Lucknow much of the bliss and ecstasy has faded and what remains is a state of absolutely nothing special at all. NOTHING. Just life as it is. No attributes beyond an absolutely normal ordinary contact with the world as it is. It's like inwardly I've come full circle and finally once again I'm back where I started from: trees are in fact trees and mountains, mountains, etc. While talking with Poonjaji yesterday I grasped in a deeper way than I ever have before that there is no such thing as samsara. There is NO PROBLEM at all with or in this world. It is all absolutely perfect. All the conflict, suffering and confusion exist only in a mind that is in conflict. When we come to an end of conflict within ourselves, the outer conflict immediately ceases to be a problem. This does not mean that one ceases to have concern-but only that the inherent reality of the fact of conflict ceases to exist. There is NO conflict or confusion in this universe. Conflict and confusion arise only due to ignorance-but in fact-ultimately the ignorance itself doesn't even exist! It's all a great mystery Alka! Today I was talking with Poonjaji about something he claims that he has not been able to discuss with anyone else-that is that this whole drama that we call life has never ever taken place-this very moment that I sit here writing to you has never actually occurred. 4Intellectually this is impossible to grasp-even though I feel that this is true. This is the real Maya! This is the real mystery and this ungraspable fact can never truly be understood. It is beyond the human brain to grasp I think. My God-who would believe all this? My dear do I sound mad? I don't really understand it at all myself-although somewhere, somehow I feel that it is the way of things. 4 I have had a strange feeling these last two days. That is: what am I doing here? What is the point of this life? Deeply I saw that I no longer have any interest in life-human life as it is lived. It's so strange Alka! It's like-what am I doing here? What is it that I want from this life? And the answer comes = Nothing. Absolutely Nothing. In a strange way I feel (very subtly) like a stranger-an outsider in a world where I somehow no longer have any place. It's all quite bizarre, isn't it? It's strange in the fact that in spite of all I have said-I AM still here-fully human and VERY MUCH alive and present in this world. My dear I honestly don't fully grasp or understand anything that I have said. It's all coming from somewhere else. Somewhere deep, deep within that I am really not even conscious of. I say all that I have said-and it brings absolutely no feeling of fear or separation-and yet it all remains an unknown-a complete mystery to me-whoever me is that is writing this letter to you. After I arrived an Indian disciple of Poonjaji's told me how Poonjaji had been speaking of me very often and was apparently very, very happy with what had happened to me. I told Poonjaji of what had taken place with you and Orly and he said that he had expected it and in fact had wanted me to leave in order to test what had taken place. He was not surprised at all and was very pleased. The night I arrived, as I was about to leave, we embraced and he kissed me and I him, and he said something like, "This is a love affair." In spite of this I continue to feel no emotion at all. The next day I told him this as I had been thinking about how odd it was. I said, "I feel no connection with you and at the same time no separation at all." I explained that this was indeed different from a feeling of "communion"-as communion is still a feeling-something, and in fact I felt nothing at all. No connection and no separation. This is a different thing almost impossible to describe. When I said this tears came to his eyes. He said, "Who could understand this?" He told me that he had intended to tell me soon that there was something higher which I had not grasped yet-but I had told him this, and this was what he had wanted to explain to me. He said that he had intended to wait to tell me this as he thought I wouldn't be ready to understand it yet. The night I arrived I had a dream about Dr. Singh. I remember nothing except that I saw Dr. Singh facing me and his body and face were luminous-shining, and in this, blurred. When I arrived at Poonjaji's the following morning I told Poonjaji that I had a dream about Dr. Singh. In the afternoon (the 30th) Dr. Singh and his wife came for their usual biweekly visit. I was sitting next to Dr. Singh and I was talking with Poonjaji about the known and unknown. Suddenly Dr. Singh jumped up and ran to Poonjaji and grabbed him in an embrace-again and again he embraced him and bowed his head to touch Poonjaji's lap. Poonjaji exclaimed, "THE EGO IS BROKEN!" Dr. Singh sat down next to me and was silent and could not speak. Poonjaji looked at him for a long time with tears in his eyes and we all sat in silence. Poonjaji later explained that only by hearing Poonjaji and I talk-in one instant of recognition through listening, Dr. Singh was Enlightened-??!! My God Alka who would believe all this? What's even more far out is this: In the evening after this had happened I was sitting in Poonjaji's room and we were talking. Then suddenly I remembered the dream that I had had the night before-and Poonjaji said that in this dream-"Dr. Singh's 'work' had been done for him." I asked him more about it-feeling there must be a connection but not being able to really believe it or understand it. Poonjaji told me I didn't have to believe it or understand it-but that it was true-! Alka I don't understand any of this myself-I'm only telling you what has taken place. 4 Today Poonjaji told me that our work was finished. That we would continue to be friends but that our formal relationship was over. He then said that he wanted me to "accept responsibility for the work." I just listened silently and felt no reaction one way or the other. In fact I felt nothing at all-neither for or against what he said. I just accepted it and said nothing. What this means I don't even know-but I have no desire to "do" any work-nor do I have any aversion to it either. Strange isn't it? I also don't even know what it means and I also feel totally unconcerned or worried about it. What will be, will be, and this will have nothing to do with my desire or will. He then told me again that he has had to make no effort in trying to help me and that this has never happened before with anyone else. I asked him why this was so and he said something like the preparation or readiness was there when I came to see him. Well, I guess that's about all. Poonjaji has had much trouble deciding where he wants to go and also feels weak and not confident of his stamina. I will contact Orly in Delhi on the 4th. Please tell me what has been happening inwardly since we parted. I'll call you from Delhi when I get there. With much affection and Love, Andrew On May 3rd, Andrew wrote the following letter to his mother and older brother in New York: Dear Luna and Joshua, I am writing this letter to both of you. Josh, I am sorry that I forgot your birthday. I was so absorbed in my own life that I completely forgot about your birthday and I apologize. I send a big Hug and much, much Love to you. This letter is the letter that I promised to write to you when we spoke on the phone; also it is an answer to Luna's last two letters. This is a difficult letter for me to write. I have been wanting to write it for the last two or three days, but have felt that quite frankly, I didn't know how to write it, how to explain all that has happened to me over the last five weeks. I would prefer if both of you would keep all I have to say to yourselves, for nobody will understand it. Something very radical has happened to me. Something very big, and at the same time, nothing special at all. Quite simply, a part of me has died and with that death, in a sense I have been reborn. My past has ceased to have any influence on my being. I have become, in a very mysterious way, free of the bondage of my past, and of time. The pain, the misery, the endless dwelling on the tragedy of my personal history is over. There is no more identification with Andrew's past. It has become a memory only and it no longer is a source of concern. The need to understand it, to overcome it, is gone. In fact it is finished. And when it is finished it seems as if it never even happened. When we finish with our past, really finish with it, in an instant, a sense of unparalleled freedom makes itself known. In this freedom, where there is no influence from the past, is where we discover our true nature, the source of our being. There is nothing special or extraordinary in this, as this is who we already are, always have been, and always will be. Beyond the illusion of personality and time, our true nature always is. We already are free, but the problem is that we don't realize it and due to conditioning, believe that we are who we think we are: separate individuals, with separate personal histories, isolated and alone in this big and often frightening world. When we come to the point where we are finally ready to let go of this idea of separateness, which means letting go of everything we have ever known, then we see clearly that there is nothing to fear. There is nothing inherently wrong or evil in this world we are living in. It is only due to ignorance that we have fear, and it is this fear alone that is the source of all evil. How or when this ignorance began I don't know and I don't know if anyone really does. In fact it's not really important, for the only important thing is to discover and realize within ourselves that the ignorance is not real and never has been real. It doesn't exist at all and the only reality is our own true "Self-nature"; which is freedom itself and is manifested in this world in the form of boundless, beginningless, impersonal Love and Joy. When I came to Lucknow to meet Poonjaji five weeks ago, I came here with no expectations and even a fear. I had come to meet another teacher and felt absolutely that I didn't want to get involved yet again with another teacher, another personality and ultimately more bondage and disappointment. I wanted to be free of all that. So why did I come? I was drawn here and felt I had to come, even though I felt much resistance and fear about what I might be getting myself into yet again. Something "clicked" on my very first meeting with Poonjaji. We were talking about the need to make "effort" in practice and Poonjaji said to me that in fact this itself was the problem, that it was in making absolutely no effort at all that freedom could be known. When he told me this, for some reason it penetrated very deeply and I had a sudden understanding that he was right. I "saw" it and the seeing only lasted two seconds-but it had a deep impact and our relationship began in that moment. I spent almost three weeks with him after that, usually eight hours a day, often talking a great deal and also many times just sitting in silence. Much was gone into and much understood. All the nagging questions that I have had over the last four years about different forms of spiritual experience and the results of different forms of meditation practice were all gone into in depth. All the questions I have had that nobody could help me with, and which had troubled me greatly were all answered. When I told him in detail about the spontaneous awakening that I had when I was sixteen, he told me that at that moment I had experienced all there was to experience, and he said that if I had had a teacher or someone whom I could have talked to about it, a man of knowledge-then my work would have been over then. Much of what I understood then has returned, and with that and much more I have been able to grasp and understand so, so much. I can hardly believe it all myself. After about a week or so with this man, finding our talks so, so satisfying, I unconsciously and consciously surrendered to him-realizing that he was only my own Self and since then I have been a free being. There is so much to say and explain! I can't possibly say it all in a letter. With each passing day he expressed more and more pleasure at how my understanding was progressing. He many, many times was praising me and exclaiming things that he saw were happening which I never believed when he said them. I always felt that he was completely exaggerating the truth and it made me feel uncomfortable and caused me to doubt him. But-I discovered with time that each and everything that he saw became a living experience for me, and it only took me time to catch up with him as ultimately all turned out to be my experience. It is just that he can see truth directly and due to my being hypnotized by a lifetime of a very gross state of awareness-the perception of the subtle nature of the living reality took time for me to see. I have never ever in my life experienced such appreciation from another human being. It's all more than I can grasp! And to be honest I don't identify with any of it either. It's all part of the magic as none of what has been understood here has been understood by Andrew. The ego simply cannot grasp what is beyond itself. The SELF can only know the SELF and in this understanding there is no personality or ego involved. There cannot be if the understanding is real. Can you both follow all this? It's really too marvelous and too wonderful to be believed! When I left Lucknow two and a half weeks ago he told me with tears in his eyes that he had never had this same intimacy with anyone else-and many people have been Enlightened through contact with him. Again I just listened passively and somehow this didn't lodge in my ego-I just listened and let it go. Nothing, Nothing-I FELT NOTHING. I know this is hard to believe but it's true. This is true because the core of our relationship doesn't take place between two personalities. It is only the SELF knowing the SELF. That's why Andrew felt nothing-for he is not involved. What I am about to tell you both now is something that I hesitate to tell. I hesitate because it is in fact too much to be believed. I don't even believe it myself but I know it's true because it happened. Poonjaji had told me at one point that he and I had become one. I said, "You mean Communion," and he told me, "No, Communion is between two-we are in Union-that means One and not TWO." Again I didn't believe him or even understand what he was saying. I left Lucknow two and a half weeks ago and I discovered after saying goodbye to him that I felt no emotion whatsoever. None. This has continued throughout my trip to Delhi and Bombay and up until my return to Lucknow five days ago. I understood ultimately that he was right-how can you miss your own Self? I left Lucknow for Delhi and met my friend Orly there. I spent six days with her and then I went to Bombay where I spent seven days and saw Alka. Soon after my arrival in Delhi the impact of what had taken place in Lucknow began to make itself known. I spontaneously began to experience waves of bliss and love that at times were so strong that I felt my body wouldn't be able to contain it. But in this Bliss there was no loss of clarity or understanding. In fact this only deepened much of what I already understood and in a way I cannot describe in words-the understanding of what it means to die to the known was lived. It was at times even a little frightening, as I knew and saw that a part of me was dying and that I had somewhere stepped out of this world into the Unknown. I consciously and unconsciously surrendered-making even a conscious decision to finally let go and give up my life-Andrew's life, for Absolute Freedom-which really means to let go of EVERYTHING. Then the most startling and surprising thing of all happened: People whom I spent time with could feel what had happened to me and were even affected by my presence. I spent five or six days with Orly-spending hours talking about what had happened in Lucknow and before my eyes-she began to experience the same bliss and understanding that I was! I couldn't believe it, and also somehow it all seemed perfectly natural. Simply by the fact that she loves me very much and TRUSTS me implicitly-the Self nature in her was able to recognize itself by opening up to me. It works like a mirror. One's own SELF is reflected and seen when one has faith in another who can be as a clear reflector. When the EGO has been cracked (so to speak) the light of the Self shines through unobstructed. If one has implicit faith and trust in someone who sees clearly then-if many factors come together (some of which are unknown) then the light of one's own Self makes itself known. This has nothing to do with effort or will but has only to do with an inner readiness to SEE and an inner surrender and trust. The rest happens by itself and effort only serves to obstruct the light. The same thing happened with Alka-my God I couldn't believe what was taking place before me! Who would believe it? Who could believe it? I arrived back in Lucknow five days ago. Since my return much of the bliss has faded and I have returned to an absolutely normal state of consciousness. Nothing but life as it is. The only thing is that there is an unbroken sense of continuity and evenness throughout each day. Nothing special. But there is a sense of being always in the present with much contentment and calm. I feel little or no desire for other than what IS and the present moment always feels like enough. There is no fear and no longing. I also realized yesterday that from now on inwardly I would always be alone. A strange feeling but without any sense of sadness in any way. I told Poonjaji about this and he told me that in fact I had only come home to the actual truth of human existence. Then I realized he was right. I myself had said many times in the past that the truth was we are born alone and we die alone. Poonjaji told me two days ago that "our work was over." That we would continue to be friends but our work was done. He then said that he wanted me to "accept responsibility for the work." When he said this I just listened passively and accepted what he said without judgement. I have no desire to "do" any "work" and I have no aversion to it either. What will be will be and it won't be up to me anymore but to other forces that are Unknown and to which I have surrendered. (I haven't flipped-this unknown I refer to is Truth-or the SELF.) I'm sure that both of you have been quite startled and amazed by what I have explained. I am too! If I wake up tomorrow morning and I find all I have told you is no longer true-then I will not have lied or said an untruth in any way. I have been a witness to all this in the same way that you have been a witness in reading this letter. There is more and wild (hard to believe) things that I have left out due to that it is not important and would take too much time to explain-and also much of it can't be explained as it is all beyond the rational mind to grasp-the human mind for that matter! I told Poonjaji this afternoon that I intended to write a letter to my mother and brother telling about the last five weeks but I told him that I didn't know how as it was all too much to be believed. He replied that "This kind of letter will make an effect!" It's now 4:45 a. m. I can hear the birds singing outside welcoming in the new morning. I have stayed up all night writing this to you both. 4 Poonjaji will come to Delhi on the 11th and after a few days there I will go up to Haridwar with him. Murray will meet us there and I think others will also come. All this could change but that's how things stand as of today. I love you both VERY much. Andrew What follows are the last entries of Andrew's diary: May 5, 1986 11:16 p. m. Coffee shop at Clark Hotel Lucknow Don't be good. Let goodness BE. I feel drunk. Drunk with Joy. For absolutely NO REASON AT ALL. HA HA HA HA HA!!!! So much to write and why do I feel there is NOTHING TO SAY?

Don't even Know! Why say anything? Who COULD keep a record of all this other-worldly magic and mystery? What does it ALL MEAN ANYWAY? ONLY

HA! May 6, 1986 Sitting at Clark's-yet again. So here I am attempting to begin again in this journal of evolution, of rebirth and rediscovery of The Reality. Freedom itself and absolutely NOTHING AT ALL. So, so, so, so much every single day! Every moment is yet another moment of learning and self-discovery. How can I keep a record of something that never ceases to BE? My mind is or has been BLOWN completely out of this world. It is in shreds! Nothing solid left. Nothing to hold onto and no concepts left. Only open space and absolutely nowhere to stand. NOWHERE AT ALL. This morning I showed Poonjaji what I wrote spontaneously here last night on the preceding page. He said: "Now there is no inner and no outer." This afternoon in the park several of Poonjaji's Indian devotees asked me questions about my "Enlightenment." (Poonjaji has apparently been praising me very highly and telling them that I am Enlightened.) Without hesitation or self-consciousness I was able to answer all their questions to their satisfaction. I didn't identify with what I said at all. Also I felt much love and warmth for them and felt the same coming from them. Then one of them, a kind old man, thanked me, showing such love, praise and appreciation that I couldn't understand why he was saying all that to me. If I don't live another day in this world his love will be the most blessed love I have ever felt from another human being in my life! I shall never forget it. And also, yet again, NONE of this lodged in my ego. I don't know why but I know that it did not. I just listened, felt very touched, but took none of it personally-just listened and let it go-again all without any effort at all. On and on and on and NOTHINGNESS IS ALL. I have heard more miracle stories from Poonjaji's life in these last three days than could ever, ever be believed or accepted by most people. I know every one of them is true and they also neither trouble me nor inspire me. They just ARE and it's just more of what IS. Nothing and everything are one and the same. Having no belief is absolute freedom to KNOW.

Absolute Discrimination is Absolute Freedom.

This did not come out of reflection or thought-it CAME FREELY FROM NO-WHERE. My Master is my SELF./Poonjaji. LOVE. Who am I? May 7, 1986 10:40 p. m. Clark Hotel This I feel must be the end of all that has come before in this record of one man's journey home. It will be the end of that, and then there will be the beginning of the outcome of all that has occurred at the feet of my Master. What will take place from this moment on will no longer be from my own will or desire but will only flow from Him. Andrew's life, in a sense, has now come to an end. His will is my will and his desire my own. I am he and there is total freedom in this. Andrew has no investment or involvement in this in any way. Somewhere Andrew no longer is. He is no longer in control-or desires to be in control. He has surrendered totally and completely to his Master-which is ultimately only his own true SELF. No plans-no personal needs, or painfully unfulfilled desires. He is empty now and is free to be of help-Again-there is no identification with any of this. He has no feeling for or against-there is only surrender and faith. The rest will only be. . .(Could anyone reading this understand that none of this is me?) This is a record of what took place today in Lucknow: I woke up at 7:30 a. m., took a bath, and went to the train station and tried to buy tickets for Poonjaji and myself to go to Delhi on the ninth or tenth. None were available and I went to his house at 9:00 a. m. I ate breakfast there and then went up to his room. He had obviously been resting when I arrived and I had therefore not wanted to disturb him. He told me he had been dreaming about me. He had been in a dialogue with me. Exclaiming "Have it!" to me forcefully while simultaneously lifting his arm, he had woken up. We talked. He told me again as he had the day before that he could feel that his body was slowly dying. That the elements which had been borrowed for the vehicle to live now had been used and wanted to return from where they came. That his "loan" was now over. With tears in his eyes he smiled at me and said, "Now I can go." The smile and what he said had meant that now that we had met-he felt he could leave this world. I just looked at the ground. We went downstairs and I showed him what I had written here last night. When he read, "My Master is my SELF/Poonjaji-Love -" he cried and said, "See what I mean?" Again referring to the fact of our union. He also talked about waking up and saying to me, "Have it." He was very moved and-said again "See what it means?" or something like that. I bowed to him and was quiet. He talked more about it but I can't remember what was said. This morning Poonjaji said to me as he had yesterday that I had the same look in my eyes as Ramana did. He said that he'd seen these eyes only three times in his life: in Ramana's, his own, and mine. I listened, and not really believing it, said that I couldn't see this. He said to see this one had to look into one's own eyes objectively, as if looking at another. Only then would it be possible to see this. After lunch I went to a restaurant and had chai [Indian tea] and read my book. As I had felt totally exhausted all morning, I went back to my room, took a bath, and slept. Immediately upon lying down I had a dream: It was evening and Poonjaji was on a bicycle going down a road away from me and he told me to go in another direction toward which he pointed his arm. He said something like "go that way" or "go there" and proceeded on his way down the road. I woke up and discovered that the dream had only lasted a few minutes as I had looked at my watch and it was 3:30. I had just lain down. I immediately went back to sleep and slept until 5:00 which I had intended to do. At 5:00 p. m. I got up, had a chai, and went to the park to meet Poonjaji. At the entrance to the park I met the Singhs who were also on their way to meet him. We embraced and then saw Poonjaji and Mr. Sharat coming from the other entrance to the park. Meeting Poonjaji I exclaimed, "I had a dream about you. You were on a bicycle going down a road telling me to go the other way." His face lit up with surprise and joy and he said, "I had the same dream." We talked about it and discovered that indeed he had had the dream at precisely the same time I had: 3:30 p. m. He was as genuinely surprised at this as I was. He then told me he had decided I should proceed on to Rishikesh on my own and that he would go to Delhi with his family on the fifteenth. I went back to the station and tried for a long time to get a ticket in first class and then in second class and also talked to the ticket supervisor about the tourist quota. He told me I could get tourist quota only from an office in Hazrat Ganj. I went to Poonjaji's from there and arrived at 7:40 p. m. When I arrived he was reading a copy of The Mountain Path that had arrived in the morning. He read an article about Krishnamurti aloud to Mr. Sharat and myself. He then exclaimed about how marvelous this fact of our having the same dream had been. We went down for dinner at 8:30 and returned to his room about 9:00 p. m. We talked more about the dream. I asked him, "Whose dream was it?" He went into this a little and then said the dream was only a confirmation of what had already been happening. He said, as he had already told me, "Our work together is over." He said that my understanding of his teaching was total and he wanted me to go out and help others. The dream of the bicycle was saying this. Also his dream upon waking, telling me to "have it." He said that he was very pleased with me. That although others had also been liberated through contact with him, I possessed the ability to express clearly this teaching in a way that no other person had yet been able to. He said, "You leave people nowhere to stand." He said I would be able to express this teaching clearly to others and would be of help to people. He said I shouldn't be selfish-responding to the fact that I obviously wanted to be with him longer. He said he now felt "free" and at peace and that he no longer felt the burden of carrying on the teaching. I could do it now, and for this he was relieved and felt free to die. He no longer had the will or desire to continue living. Then he told me that the kind old gentleman devotee of his had spoken to him about me in the park this afternoon. The devotee had said that he had been thinking of me all night and about what I had said to him the day before. He also told Poonjaji that somehow he had felt it was Poonjaji who had prompted him to ask me the questions that he did. I said, "Why? What did I say? Why? This is not me he is talking about." When I got up to leave I embraced Poonjaji and he slapped me on the back and said, "Have it!" Andrew wrote to his mother from Lucknow on May 13th. . . . The love affair between Poonjaji and me continues. The dialogue continues and so does the amazing experience of KNOWING again and again-that things are indeed not at all as they seem to be. 4If all unfolds as Poonjaji feels sure it will, then all will be known at the right time. I have stepped into the unknown and from now on-all is-unknown to me.