Part One · Diary March 25 – April 14, 1986

Diary March 25 - April 14, 1986 In December of 1985, while living in southern India, I was approached by a young American. "Are you Murray Feldman? Can you give me the address of this teacher you've been with?" He introduced himself as Andrew Cohen. He told me that recently he had been in England, where he had learned from a friend of mine that I was spending time with a great but little-known spiritual teacher. He explained that immediately upon hearing of this teacher, he knew that he had to meet him. I invited Andrew to my room and told him about my time with this man, whose name was Hari Lal Poonja. Poonjaji, a disciple of Sri Ramana Maharshi, was seventy-five years old. I told Andrew that I had never met anyone like him, and that he had seemed to me like a living God. Through being with this man, I had begun to understand what Ramana Maharshi had meant when he said that being in the company of a Satguru is the most important catalyst for Self-Realization. Profoundly inspired by the time that I had spent with Poonjaji, and aware that I had not fully understood his teachings, I knew that I had to see him again. At the end of January 1986, I returned to Lucknow in northern India to spend more time with Poonjaji. Andrew arrived at the end of March. He told me that although he had no desire to enter into a formal relationship with a teacher, he felt compelled to meet this man. I introduced Andrew to Poonjaji on the morning of March 25th. At this meeting Andrew had a profound realization. After speaking to Poonjaji for only a few minutes he turned to me and said, "I've always been Free!" Poonjaji had spoken to me often about his desire to find someone who would continue with the teaching after he died. It was at this moment that I knew that Andrew was the one for whom Poonjaji had been waiting. This book is an account of the meeting between Andrew Cohen and H. W. L. Poonja, and of the events which followed. It is told primarily through a diary which Andrew kept during that period. Also included are the letters exchanged between Andrew and Poonjaji over the next three years. The following is from the diary Andrew kept during his first three weeks with Poonjaji. Day One March 25, 1986 I had my first talk with Sri Poonjaji this morning. We were talking about "effort." He said to me, "You don't have to make any effort to be free." I saw clearly that making constant effort had become a habit. I then understood that making no effort or living effortlessly could also become a habit. In that moment I had a deep and clear experience or glimpse of what making no effort meant. A brief moment of complete freedom. Real insight and understanding of what liberation means. It is so simple, so obvious, and in fact, right here with us all the time. Poonjaji saw this happen and said he saw radiance come over me during this moment. Fascinating. I did understand. Day Two March 26, 1986 . . . Talking more about how "doing anything" just creates more bondage. Adding anything is just more becoming. Just more to do. Anything more only takes us away from where we already are which means only adding and more to let go of. More bondage and illusion of selfhood. Day Four March 28, 1986 He showed me a letter written to him by a woman from Brussels whom he met in Rishikesh in 1968. The letter, which she wrote to him recently, described the experience of her enlightenment. Very moving and convincing. . . . He told me, "Do not be attached to the teacher and do not be attached to enlightenment." Because this creates separation. T.alked about the experience I had on the first day with him and he said that it was very rare. Day Five March 29, 1986 Sitting outside the General Post Office. Continue to feel light and happy inside and wonder if it is due to contact with Poonjaji or just that I feel well. Also inwardly feel more and more that there is nothing to hold onto. See the mind constantly reaching out to grasp and see again and again that there is nothing but my own mind searching for and creating objects-concepts-that do not really exist. Again, no security anywhere. This is disturbing me on one level-but at the same time, due to Poonjaji's influence, I don't mind. It all doesn't matter. 4This creates a gentle tension within. This also doesn't matter. 4 Is all this (nothing really at all) due to Poonjaji? Is it only myself? Maybe this too doesn't really matter. In the afternoon we had I think the most fascinating discussion of my entire life! We talked about the ending of time-how in enlightenment one goes beyond time itself. We talked about my experience of timelessness that occurred shortly after I met him. We then talked more about what it means to experience the timeless-how this whole experience of births and deaths over millennia is not real-that at the moment of enlightenment, in one instant, one realizes that none of it ever existed. Like waking up from a dream. Enlightenment is an instant of recognition that cancels out the whole of one's separate existence. The past and all of one's personal history (no matter how long) is burned-the candle flame is blown out and in fact, one realizes that one never existed. Samsara only exists in time. Enlightenment is beyond time. It was never born and can never die. Beyond opposites, beyond comparison-no trinity. This whole world, this existence, is only a dream 4 Day Six March 30, 1986 When I arrived in the morning Poonjaji asked me what time it was. He was surprised to discover that it was 10:40 as he explained that he had been "somewhere" else or in a vacant state for what he was pleased and surprised to discover had been four hours. He said he had been out of his body. He told me he had slept very little and had been thinking all night about our discussions of the evening before. He said that my understanding was very rare, but that he felt a thin veil or "mist" still lay between he and I. He told me that he had to be honest with me-for his own well-being-otherwise he would feel burdened and unclean. An Indian disciple arrived at 11:30 and we talked together of my experience of emptiness that occurred on the first day. He explained to Poonjaji and me that he too had seen the look on my face and said that he had also felt something at that moment. During my afternoon break I had the odd sensation of a gentle but very mild pressure existing somewhere inside myself. It was so subtle that I wasn't even sure if it really existed or if it was just my imagination. Ever so slightly uncomfortable. I. imagined that this was Poonjaji's influence and that the discomfort was my own fear of letting go. 4 In the afternoon Dr. Ganga Singh and his wife were at Poonjaji's when I arrived. Poonjaji immediately began to tell them of my understanding of the night before and of how rare it was. Went for a walk in the evening with Poonjaji to the park. Walking back to his house he told me how he felt detached-vacant-empty-how he knew he was not his body. Day Seven March 31, 1986 . . . He talked about karma. With Enlightenment the whole karmic balance is "burnt" in an instant. How the past vanishes-how once again it never existed and one continues to live in a state where there is no past and no future. How due to the "momentum" of the past karma we continue to live in this world, but being awake, remain completely free of involvement because we know that it is all unreal. Yesterday morning I spoke with Poonjaji about the "mist" which he had mentioned lay between us. I told him that I thought it was my ego. He agreed. I told him that on one hand he wanted me to be an independent and free person-and that on the other I saw that to pierce this veil I must surrender to him. How to reconcile these two extremes? He was quiet for a long while and then shed tears. He said I had asked a very difficult question. He was silent for a long time and then said, "The Source commands Surrender, and that has nothing to do with personality." He also told me that this question that I had asked had not come from me but had come from the "source." Day Eight April 1, 1986 Another fantastic day in this unexpected adventure of seeing into the nature of reality, truth or self. Again and again there is too much coming too fast and I feel I'm losing the ability to capture it all on paper.l.earning so, so much. Can't really believe it all. In the morning I told Poonjaji about my experience of cosmic consciousness when I was sixteen years old. I asked him about the difference between this experience, which I felt was a deep experience of "fullness," compared to the Buddhist teaching of "voidness." Were they the same? Were they different experiences? Which was higher? He was very moved by what happened when I was sixteen. He said that I had experienced everything. He said that "nothing was missing" from what I had told him. He said that if anything needed to be added-or that if I had missed something he surely would have told me. He said he was very hard on his students and was being straight with me. He said that the limitless and timeless could not be approached by the conceptual mind. He made clear that this was futile and impossible. That experiences like this were beyond individuality and therefore not to be grasped by the individual mind or understanding. It was futile to compare and judge what was in fact beyond comparison. He pointed out that this experience had happened spontaneously and without effort. That afterwards I had wanted to reattain this experience through effort. He again pointed out the futility of trying to attain something that could not be held in any way. He made clear that instead of me trying to reattain this unattainable unhaveable reality, I should believe in its truth and let go and let it-grab me-let it envelop me. That this is where the question of faith came in. He then explained how fullness and emptiness were ultimately the same thing, that they had to be. This, though I understood it when he explained it, soon was out of my reach. Need to probe more deeply into this question of FULLNESS VS. VOIDNESS. Day Nine April 2, 1986 This morning spoke with Poonjaji. He was very pleased when I said, "Most people seek great security in a continuous postponement of freedom." He sat up in bed when I said this and he had me repeat it again so he could write it down in his notebook. Day Ten April 3, 1986 Morning. We spoke again about fullness and emptiness. He said that there was something beyond fullness and emptiness that witnesses and perceives the fullness and emptiness. Talked more with Poonjaji about the above in the evening. That which perceives form and emptiness can never be known. That which perceives is in fact only the Self. The Self can only know Itself. That which perceives the reality of the Self within the individual is only the Self. It cannot be other than the Self. Hence the impossibility of the separate individual ego to perceive what it cannot contain or grasp. Only the Self can know the Self. That which perceives and that which is perceived are one and the same. This division also is not real. Only the Self is. How can what is not real and which has no substance know what is real? It is an impossibility! Only the real can know the real! The Self can only know the Self. The Self is perfect. Nothing can be added to that-for it contains everything. Only the illusion of not knowing this can be removed. Who knows the Self? The Self only! It cannot be otherwise! 3:30 p. m. Fantastic insights and talk with Poonjaji this morning. Where is all this coming from? Poonjaji says it is not coming from me but from the Self. Trust in that. . . . I understood finally that it is not only this separate ego that is nonexistent-the illusion of this world and the life on it also-but in fact the whole universe doesn't exist! The universe is Samsara. It has no substance and is unreal. Creation itself is an illusion. What is beyond time cannot be born and cannot die. It is uncreated and timeless. Creation and everything in it is locked in time. What is born also dies and is not permanent. The "why" of why the universe was born can never be known. Never. The only thing to realize is that it does not really exist. Day Eleven April 4, 1986 9:13 a. m. Slowly and ever so subtly a new and profound understanding of the nature of reality is making itself known to me. It is sublime and beautiful. The veil of illusion is slowly and gently being lifted. Through the darkness light is shining. Look too closely and it is gone. L.et it be and it is always and ever present. Inwardly I bow to Poonjaji in gratitude for helping me to know my own true nature. Yesterday morning while writing here I understood deeply that the Self is the only reality. It is the beginning and the end and all that is. It is beyond description and comparison. It is fullness and emptiness and that which perceives both. Finally it is beyond any kind of division or separation of any kind whatsoever. It became obvious that only the Self can know the Self. All other than the Self is illusory and impermanent and therefore unreal. During lunch with Poonjaji I burst out in uncontrollable laughter and joy at the ridiculous predicament that we are in. The absurdity of the truth that in fact the universe doesn't really exist. This made Poonjaji very happy. In the evening Poonjaji said that he was pleased and that now he could "sleep well!" He said that he no longer had any "relation" with me. He also said that now our real work could begin. That from now on our relationship (which he said no longer existed) would be beyond form and concept . . . He said that we had a real dialogue and that this dialogue was not between two individuals but was in fact a dialogue of the Self. He was pleased. He said that this was very rare. 3:04 p. m. On arriving at Poonjaji's this morning I said to him that I understood that in time there would no longer be the need for any question and answer between us. That the teaching would be silent. He looked surprised and pleased when I said this. He then proceeded to tell me that he had prepared a "cooked" answer for me had I tried to ask him any questions today! He told me he would have replied strongly, saying there was no need. He said he had not yet shown me this side of his personality and I laughed and said now I had taken away his opportunity! He said that now he and I were in "union." That it was unusual for this to happen so quickly. Also what has impressed him is that apparently I have received knowledge directly. That others experience bliss and other experiences and get lost in them-unable to proceed further. This pleased him a great deal. He was amazed that I told him the teaching would now be through silence. This was exactly his feeling and my saying it prior to his telling me proved the fact of our "union" being completed. He said now "things would happen." Day Twelve April 5, 1986 Yesterday morning after the above agreement of our "union" Poonjaji went out with me and we went by rickshaw to change my traveller's checks at the State Bank of India. In the afternoon he took me to see the old Mogul palace and mosque of Lucknow. Majestic and beautiful. Magnificent! Struck by Poonjaji's love. His gentleness and generosity. Giving in the most gentle and effortless manner. Never any sense that any effort whatsoever is being made in his generosity. Seems spontaneous and natural. More than unusual. Extraordinary. In fact, truly as a human being CAN be. Truly human. Nothing more actually, and this is the mystery. Too, too few human beings in this seemingly barbaric and inhuman world. The same ease and lack of any kind of tension between us continues. Also last night, in spite of all that has occurred, I was watching my mind as boredom and doubt arose yet again. What a teaching! Just watch and learn.r.eminds me of "If ye had faith ye would not need miracles." Another amazing letter arrived from one of Poonjaji's disciples yesterday. It was from the man who gave Poonjaji's address to Murray. He is from Australia and was here with his wife about three months ago. Yet another testimony to Poonjaji of Realization through his Grace. Totally convincing and full of clarity and profound gratitude. What more can I ask for? What more proof is required? From where does doubt arise in the face of truth? Doubt is, after all, one of the fetters-a most powerful foe-a dangerous enemy indeed. Day Thirteen April 6, 1986 This morning once again while sitting in the South Indian restaurant, I experienced a rush of clarity and understanding. Don't know if it's a result of meditation in my room prior to going there or due to this gentle unfolding of insight that I've found myself in the midst of since my contact with Poonjaji. Probably both-indeed as he has been telling me over and over they are one and the same-the "Self Nature" manifesting itself uninhibited-flowing, touching-kissing me with insight. After my arrival at Poonjaji's this morning and prior to our leaving for Dr. Singh's, he reiterated this point to make sure that it was clear to me. That our union began with the clear seeing of the fact that this "knowledge" or understanding had nothing to do with the individuals involved. It was and only could be once again: the SELF NATURE. Not he and not I. Only ONE SELF. That when this understanding is clear it sets the basis for a deep and profound meeting of two individuals-in the realization that they, as separate entities, do not have any separate existence. That they are both only manifestations of one being-one source-that in the true seeing of this Fact, this Truth, there will be an absolutely Free and beautiful dance of the Self with the Self. A true union in emptiness. TRUE TEACHING which ultimately can only be the perception in silence of our-BEING. This mysterious journey continues in spite of all the doubt and clinging of the mind to Samsara-the way things SEEM to be. . . I understood today the need for absolute Non-abidance always and forever. Not to abide in any place is to not abide in this world. To not abide in the world means to BE in eternity-Freedom-Knowledge. Not to dwell upon or be captured by the mind and its endless preoccupations with itself and its past and present involvements with itself and its relation to the world. Simply not to dwell means there is space for the Self to manifest-to make itself known. Knowledge, wisdom, and insight will flow freely and naturally in a mind that does not dwell upon this world. Poonjaji mentioned this several times to me today. Last night while reading different bits from Ramana's book, I saw how much I've been able to grasp finally about the relationship between the meaning of different types of samadhi and wisdom. For so long this has been troubling me and now, slowly, it's all becoming clear. No tension. Just clarity. No longer a problem. It's all perfect. I bow down and touch Poonjaji's feet in gratitude for helping me to see my own Self. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. He is right-in fact he acts only as a mirror for others. Because he has no ego he can reflect our own Self nature back on ourselves. Therefore he remains free of involvement and responsibility as there is no one acting or doing anything. This is delightful in that this way we will develop and grow (or not) due only to our own inherent readiness and karma. Therefore he does nothing but serve as a catalyst to our own Self nature. He changes nothing, only helps what is already there. WHAT A TEACHING! This is freedom in relationship, Indeed! (Talked with Poonjaji about this last night.) On the morning of the 5th I said to Poonjaji that if we are in contact with the source of our being i. e. the Self, then we can reflect that light onto relative questions and effortlessly see and understand relative truths. This impressed him (and myself) as when I said it, it clearly was not coming from "me," but from the Source. Clarity and total confidence comes from clear perception and seeing from the Self. Contact = Being. Only emptiness can perceive emptiness. Yesterday afternoon Poonjaji told me several stories of people who had faith in him and had experienced miraculous and sudden cures from illnesses. I asked him if he used his will in these circumstances and he said no. That he had done so at one time but had always suffered for it. That he had "spontaneously" understood how to enter a person's mind, but in the exchange had always suffered, i. e. taking on their karma. Also, he felt that it was not ethical to do so. He said that he only acts as a mirror for others and that they will respond according to the purity of their disposition. In doing this he remains free of involvement and they get what they are suited for. Quietness, bliss, knowledge, Enlightenment, fear, etc. He very much liked my question about his use of will and said it was a subtle question although I honestly don't see why. He told me last night that he saw a big change in me in the last two days. He asked me if I felt it and if I knew what it was. I answered not quite accurately in saying I had felt faith, trust, and a very subtle touching of the Self. He said it was the "Self Nature" manifesting-and that I looked and sounded totally different. The look in my eyes and the sound of my voice were radically changed. (I found it difficult to believe.) He told me to pay attention to what was happening now in the next few days-to relax and let things happen-to accept the "good with the bad" without reaction, seeing clearly and understanding that it all comes from the SELF. I mentioned that the final test was one of complete surrender (to the Self) and he agreed. Feel much love for Poonjaji and feel much love coming from him. . . Day Fourteen April 7, 1986 Feel light, happy, quiet and free this morning. . . Day Fifteen April 8, 1986 I'm sitting on my bed and it's 12:45 a. m. 4So much has been happening! Where to begin? This morning after waking, saw how Freedom has no history. Whatsoever. Freedom cannot exist with any solid entity known as past. It can only BE-FREEDOM IS ALONE. EMPTY and without attributes. DEATH MUST HAPPEN BEFORE FREEDOM CAN BE. The past must be let go of-must die. There is NO room for any history in the living timeless SELF. Told Poonjaji that "Freedom has no history" on arrival this morning. He smiled, and said he had awakened this morning having a dialogue with me-very deep, he said. A point we hadn't touched upon yet, the end of all talk. He still felt it in his heart, but couldn't bring it back. He tried. Feel so HAPPY! Felt a rush of bliss within me this afternoon. Joy and gentle bliss and so much love for Poonjaji! Is this all REAL? Told him that I felt blessed today and he was deeply touched, and tears came to his eyes. He said that this was the Self Nature talking and "what more could anyone say?" He was deeply moved by this and commented on it several times today. Went out with him to the river and then to the park. Felt a rush of bliss and joy and told him while walking back to his house that it is not to seek truth that is important but TO BE truth that was Enlightenment and perfect Freedom. He was moved again and said this was "fantastic." Felt much love for him today-too, too much Love for him-I love him so! He said he was surprised that I was not acting "abnormally," meaning that I was not in tears or overwhelming emotion. That I was experiencing "equanimity" and this was better. He was pleased by this balance. Felt so much bliss and happiness being with him tonight. Day Sixteen April 9, 1986 Told Poonjaji that EMPTINESS REALLY MEANS LIMITLESS. He was pleased when I said this. He said this understanding could only come from experience. We talked much about this. Emptiness means no separation. No boundaries. Constant, beginningless, endless being! There is never any separation. This is Enlightenment. Enlightenment means no separation. Emptiness means limitless. Full or empty mean the same thing. "Form is emptiness and emptiness is form." No separation EVER. Constant unbroken contact of NO-thing with ITSELF. Earlier today we had talked about the "why" of existence i. e. the universe. The manifest universe is only the outward creative expression of the limitless uncreated Self. The created is an expression of the uncreated-there is no difference ultimately between the two. They are one, and their nature is the same-empty. Day Seventeen April 10, 1986 11:02 p. m. I'm sitting on my bed in my room. David [a seeker visiting Poonjaji] came this morning. 4 I'm forcing myself to write now as I have no desire whatsoever to continue this journal. It is all happening by itself. The personality that wants to keep a record is losing the ability to keep up with what is happening. T.oday I felt waves of bliss welling up from within and with it, a deep feeling of a lack of interest in intellectual reflection and understanding i. e. of trying to grasp the ungraspable with a mind and intellect that simply cannot contain what is beyond itself. In spite of the fact that that is impossible, the INTEREST in doing so is dying. Replacing it is only a deep desire to abide in what IS, without any thought or reflection of any kind. I feel now that all this (thinking about it) is only a great impediment to the experience itself. I KNOW this to be so. I told Poonjaji this fact this morning and on hearing this his eyes lit up and then and several other times today he made clear to me in no uncertain terms that this was once again the SELF expressing itself. That the seeing and recognition of this clear understanding that thought and reflection are Death itself was fantastic and very, very important. (This is in fact the deep, deep willingness to finally really let go of the known. 4) In silence is ALL. No Limitation. No Ego. Emptiness and Completeness, endless BEING and JOY. This morning after we spoke, the bliss I had felt the day before yesterday started welling up inside me again. It continued until I came back to my room. Oddly enough, when I tried to meditate and was using "effort" to control my mind the flow stopped. I slept for forty-five minutes, and on waking, felt confused and unclear. I went back to Poonjaji's and we talked more about what happened in the morning. He is ten steps ahead of me always. He can always see clearly every time the Self Nature is manifesting-and often at these times it is so subtle that I am barely aware of its presence-and then without fail, he ALWAYS turns out to have been right. Then on going to the park to meet David I immediately felt the bliss welling up again. I had to force myself not to close my eyes (which I did eventually) so I could pay attention to the very interesting dialogue that Poonjaji and David were having. Then I sat in meditation for a long time. It's all happening by itself-effort is not involved-IT'S ALL TRUE! Surrender and only Surrender is required. Again tonight after dinner in his room I grew tired of the talk and only wanted to sit quietly. There was a lack of interest-more than that-a deep revulsion for the arising of thought and all that goes along with it. I told Poonjaji yesterday that "I now have the courage and desire to die-but I don't know how." He said nothing at the time but brought it up today. He misses nothing that is important. Now only to LET GO-let it happen. On April 13th Andrew left Lucknow for two and a half weeks to visit friends in New Delhi and Bombay. Day Twenty-one April 14, 1986 New Delhi I'm sitting in Nirula's Restaurant. It's lunch time and it's crowded. Arrived in Delhi this morning. The bliss continues in spite of all the doubt. I AM. Nothing to say. Empty. These words come from THAT.... Oh God-It's always there. These last three days in Lucknow have been beyond words. On the morning of the 11th went to the zoo with Poonjaji and David. Afterwards talked with David outside and once again the bliss started welling up from within. Peace and Joy and Emptiness. Nothing at All! Who would believe it? Who could believe? That afternoon again it started and I had to force myself to keep my eyes open. Oh! Oh! Oh! what can I say? It's here with me now. It's here and it's nowhere! Gentle, subtle, and abiding ALWAYS. I keep wondering if it will leave me and in spite of that it remains-to BE. The evening of the 11th I grew tired of their talk and only wanted to BE QUIET. On the 12th David GOT IT. Or so it seemed. I helped him to SEE. Then he and I had the most intimate being together two people can ever share. Also the SELF was coming through me so much that my hand was shaking. Then I left to buy my train ticket and held onto Nothing-after there was only Quietness within. 4 The next day David and I shared the silence together-it was beyond words and again-only nothing-sharing the silence-the silence which is empty and which reveals only simply what is. . . Also going out with David in the evenings, having tea at Chaudhary restaurant it was there-coming through-and oh, the most fascinating sharing and discovering together of all this-it's too much, too wonderful! Yesterday Poonjaji told me he had never had this kind of relationship with another person and how happy it made him and he cried. I was silent and felt only quietness and NOTHING else. Then I think.i.s it still here? Has it left me? Has the emptiness gone forever? The evening of the 12th it came again in my room. SILENCE. In the talks with Poonjaji in these days-so, so, so much has been learned. Lifetimes of knowledge and truth and understanding-can all this be true? Yesterday I proclaimed with tremendous conviction: "Anyone who tells you to do ANYTHING at all to attain Liberation is a liar and a cheater!" Saying goodbye to Poonjaji I felt nothing at all. No emotion. I went to the park and sat on a bench before going to the station, and then there was only quietness and nothing else. Thought, yes, but it had no power. It was only chatter. The substratum was quietness and only being present.