Gender, Sexual Identity and the True Self

hello everybody nice to see you so we want to go into a big topic for this talk because this time we're going to spend together and the context of course for everything that i speak about is always enlightenment or at least my developing consistently developing consistently emerging understanding of enlightenment and what i'd like to call the right relationship to reality the right relationship to being human this is the big challenging and generally not fully answered question that uh most sincere spiritual inquirers and spiritual seekers sooner or later want to know the ant want to know so the enlightenment experience as most of you are already well aware is very much about a profound awakening a profound revelation of profound recognition of absolute oneness absolute unity absolute perfection unimaginable peace unimaginable clarity and imaginable joy unimaginable singularity absolute singularity one is all and all is one and everything is so simple when when one is all in all is one and you are and i and you are we all are and i am that and it's one without a second everything is so simple there's nothing to think about there's nothing to work out there's nothing to understand there's nothing to make sense of because everything simply is as it is because all is one and one is all and that's the liberating truth for eternity forever but relative reality the context for everything is not absolutely real but relatively real is when the challenging interesting wonderful amazing beautiful profound mesmerizing world of [Music] difference begins to appear to us when we descend from absolute reality to relative reality we see that the absolute itself contains the relative and in this recognition of relative reality we discover that the one without a second is actually simultaneously and also the world of the many the world of the world the world of complexity the world of infinite differences and so then we then we realize if we continue if we continue our inward journey that the one is the manny and the many is the one now that we have awakened to the ultimate truth that there's only one and not two how does our deeper conscious consciousness and deeper cognition of that which is absolute how does that inform our relationship with the world of that which is relative or with relative reality the question that the most sincere since the most sincere serious sensitive thoughtful intelligent people want to know is what is the right relationship to reality what's the right relationship to the experience of being human can you please can you please tell me is it possible to know to find out to understand what the right relationship to being a human being is to be a conscious human being is what's the right relationship to reality can you please tell me that's a very big question it's a very difficult question it's a very complex question it's a very profound question and it's a very important question as a matter of fact i can't imagine a more important question than what's the right relationship to reality and as i said that's the question is the most sincere authentic seekers and inquirers want to know the answer to for very good reason and i continue to find that a big part of the spiritual life is working on that answer to that question what is the most perfect and most appropriate relationship to relative reality relative existence to being a human being who lives in the world of time and space cause and effect and we have to make so many choices every single day how do we make sense of all this so what i wanted to do in this talk is is use this basic context to look into our relationship to gender into sexuality what's the right relationship to being male masculinity what's the right relationship to being a female to femininity what's the right relationship to apparently shifting experiences and notions of gender what's the right relationship to our sexual feelings and our sexual identity and how we enact those feelings and embrace them in the context of our in the context of the complexity of our emerging humanity so that's what i want to try and make sense out of with all of you tonight now the whole notion of gender and sexuality is very it's a very hot topic it's a very difficult and charged area to go into and i'm far from an expert on these matters so much i don't know about sexuality and so much i don't know about the complexity of gender politics and gender identity i really don't know much about it but what i do know about what i am very familiar with is is this is what happens when we have made that shift from relative reality to absolute reality and how deeply that impacts our relationship to being human now deeply that impacts the way we relate to the multi-dimensional complexity of the human our relationship to masculinity and femininity sexuality gender consciousness is very dependent upon how conscious we are of the the depth of what it means to be human and what it means to be a conscious human being so in the enlightenment context in other words in the context in which we give spiritual evolution and enlightenment our highest priority in other words that comes first so whatever enlightenment is whatever the greatest real whatever that state of consciousness is that the greatest realizers have known i choose to give the greatest priority in my life and everything else in relationship to the human experience i put as i put as a second second third and fourth place so that's the context of which i want to address this question so if we put enlightenment first in that second or third or fourth if we always put it first then we are pointing towards that shift from relative truth to absolute truth from relative reality to absolute reality from personal egoic identity to a transpersonal cosmic sense of self and if we put that as a first first priority as a first value then that's going to have a very big impact on our relationship to almost every aspect of being human and in this case very specifically being male being female being any combination of the both of those two being gay or straight and anything in between now what happens when we make this shift from a relative identity to an absolute identity is that a great burden great existential burden on the small self gets lifted because the small self our egoic identity is very concerned with its past how its past relates to its present and how the past and present relate to the future is very absorbed in the personal narrative the personal story of being one cell and as obsessed with fears and desires the buddha would say fears and desires hopes and dreams our personal identities tend to be more often than not a source of great pain and suffering and a bad a bad trip that we tend to want to get over sooner or later god willing so what the enlightenment experience in its fullness when it becomes full and deep and profound and all-encompassing and deep and real it provides us with an opportunity with a profound opportunity to let all that go what a lot of us are trying to do with our personal egoic identity including our relationship to gender and consciousness and sexuality and our sexual identity because we're usually trying to come to terms with all of it and work it all out trying to make the right choices but the small self and the big self have a very different relationship to sexuality into the consciousness of gender so as long as we're trying to work it all out it becomes an emotional and psychological obsession for us our neurosis our pains and fears our unresolved issues our frustrations become [Music] an endless distraction as i said an emotional psychological obsession and an endless distraction that creates in us a an experience of self-consciousness of self-consciousness that is not free small-ass self-consciousness the experience of smaller self-consciousness is an experience of unfreedom it's an experience of a very small myopic focused attention on the ego's drama the ego's endless drama and as long as we're trying to work it out and get get over it or make it better improve upon it we're still trapped in the problem but the enlightenment revelation the revelation of enlightened awareness enlightened awareness provides us with an opportunity to ultimately to ideally potentially not that easy doesn't happen that often let go of the whole thing to choose something bigger and more profound more ultimately meaningful and purposeful and liberating liberating liberating so my point here is that when the ego and your ego or when my ego and the ego is invested and being a man my ego is invested in maleness where my ego is invested in femaleness then the expression of my maleness or my masculinity or femaleness or femininity will express a measure of egoic distortion why because i'm egoically consciously unconsciously for whatever reason doesn't really matter why invested in being male or being female being gay being straight being trans being whatever it is i'm egoically invested in my less than absolute identity so as long as we are egoically invested in an ident in a personal identity then then is less than our absolute identity it will this position will be expressed in self-consciousness insecurity fear and doubt and attachment relationship to being male female gay straight trans and everything in between it has nothing what i'm saying has inherently has nothing to do with being male or female i'm not speaking about being male or female gay straight or trans or anything else i'm speaking about our relationship to these distinctions so atta conscious or unconscious egoic attachment and investment in a personal lesson fully realized non-relative absolute identity creates different into differing degrees into different measures self-consciousness small as self-consciousness in relationship to our relative identity so when we make this profound shift from relative reality to obstacle reality from a relative identity to an absolute identity we don't stop being human we make that shift from relative to absolute we're still a human being what is the effect of that shift of identity if it's if it's truly deep truly radical and truly outrageous and truly performed what is that what is the effect of that kind of shift on our human identity if the shift is deep and profound and radical the effect will be profound on our personality now in in the eastern dharma often when they're speaking about enlightenment they say enlightenment is the net is this is the natural state so natural means free from tension free from self-consciousness so what would our relationship be to being male female gay straight trans or anything in between if we were egoically completely uninvested in any of those distinctions which may or may not be part of who we are this is the question what would what is it what would it be like to be a man to have a masculine identity a masculine gendered consciousness he wasn't particularly identified with being male wasn't denying his maleness heterosexual feelings was in no way in denial of any of it was embracing it and embodying it it was not egoically invested in being in this case a heterosexual male because sometimes we sometimes we find that um men who are heterosexual who are [Music] a little excessively identified with their heterosexual instincts feelings and identity when they express that identity it's often often comically expresses itself and so it can often appear to be an over exaggerated demonstration of a sexual identity and sexual preference which often seems very unnatural very self-conscious and so full of ego on the opposite of natural so the question i'm asking is can we imagine what it would be like to be fully human because we all are fully human the complexity of our humanity the complexity of the multi-dimensional nature of our humanity how does it show up how does it express itself how does it how does it show up and how does it express itself when we're not in denial of any aspect of who we are and we're taking responsibility for the full dimensionality of what it means to be ourselves while not being at the same time egoically i invested in any particular aspect of our human identity including our relatively arbitrary fact of our gender and in the same way the ultimately relatively arbitrary effect of our sexual nature sexual identity sexual preference what if all of that is simply as it is for whatever reason what if all that is simply as it is without an egoic without a self-conscious egoic investment in that part of ourselves and that part of our identity it would then be then all the multi-dimensional complexity of human genderedness and sexuality could ideally be able to show up and express itself free from neurosis free from self-consciousness free from fear so the idea here is what does the natural state look like in relationship to some of these very nitty gritty questions about the reality of being human the complexity of the reality being human which doesn't go away with the awakening experience we're still human beings human beings who have woken up who are in the process of awakening the process of becoming more conscious we're in the process of transcending the small self embracing me nothing less than cosmic self-sense which ultimately includes the whole cosmos it doesn't deny the reality of this mind this body and this this personality as being the locust for the experience what if being a man was no longer what what if being what if the relatively arbitrary fact of being male was no longer part of an ego trip conscious or unconscious with it being female the relatively arbitrary effect of the female was no longer part of an ego trip or heterosexual homosexual or any variety of sexual possibilities what if none of it was it was any longer part of the ego trip of being me it may be part of my relative identity maybe a natural part of the expression of my humanity what if it was no longer part of the ego trip of being me that's the question because because in that case what because in that in the potential in the developmental potential i'm pointing to instead of trying to be a certain way trying to instead of trying to be a certain way we from this position of liberated awareness we almost get to find out what it's like to be a man or a woman gay straight trans and any any other possibility we get to find out without knowing beforehand what it's like to be a man or a woman or any combination thereof with any sexual preference free from neurotic tension and anxiety and fear we get to find out and ideally these these different aspects of the complexity of our emerging humanity would express themselves without any self-consciousness fear or attention and we get to find out who i am as a man as a woman as a sexual being but i'm not invested in any of it and as i'm not invested in any of it i'm not in denial of any of it either it's fully accepting and embracing it without being egotically invested in any form of separateness even i dare say in any form of uniqueness even i dare say in any form of uniqueness so then we get to express our the complexity of our the complexity of the uniqueness of our particular humanness without being invested in it egoically invested in it in any kind of specialness without denying any of it without resisting any of it really embracing all of it there's room for all possibilities but uh it's the egoic investment and it's the conscious and unconscious egoic investment indifference and in the uniqueness of difference that creates so many problems for us as individuals and for us in level of culture being invested in our uniqueness is such an existential burden i'm not saying anything that's written there's nothing wrong with being unique or just being special because we all have so much to give so we all have so many gifts to give and i believe from the perspective at least evolutionary enlightenment that's why we're actually here once we wake up we realize we're here to give our gift otherwise at this particular otherwise the most modern level of cultural development and beyond there without that revelation that doesn't seem to be a big source of meaning and conscious existence that's being utilized being human so we're all here because we realize when we wake up that we have so much to give and when we find out what what our unique gifts are we and we were able to give them it suddenly makes absolute sense to be here whether it's easier whether it's difficult whether it's demanding or not it may suddenly makes perfect sense to exist and that's the great gift that's the liberation that's the sense making on a spiritual spiritual perspective but if we're invested in any notion of specialness or uniqueness we're going to be invested in any notion of specialness so you need this that's a problem from an enlightenment perspective and ideally we want to be we want to wake up so much that so that our uniqueness and our specialness can be liberated for too many of us our gifts are trapped in the prison of our neurosis and our fear and our self-doubt you know we're incredible because we can make anything we can make anything into an ego trip not only being male or being female or being gay or straight or trans or anything like that anything can we can use any uh any notion of difference as a way to feel special the ego will use any any excuse to stand out and be special and that's the it's the most difficult thing to give up and to transcend to want to try and be free of to become empty of the need to be seen as being special for any reason not just because of being male or female or going straight or anything else and for any reason that doesn't mean we're not special and unique doesn't mean we're not gifted doesn't mean we may we may not be a genius intellectual genius a creative genius an autistic genius a literary genius we may be one of all those things but from a spiritual point of view in the perspective of enlightenment what's important is that we're not invested in the uniqueness that is there it's the attachment to uniqueness it keeps the self trapped in hell so what i'm saying is very simple but it's very profound and it's very radical and the implications are all encompassing when you really let it in and paradoxically what happens is the more we let go of the need to see ourselves as being special and unique for whatever reason simultaneously we begin to recognize a great sense of personal power spiritual power spiritual strength spiritual self-confidence being too well up within us paradoxically the more we the more we let go of the need to see ourselves as being special the more we become relatives from a relative point of view truly special powerful full of spirit the power of spirit and awakened intelligence it's ironic and it's paradoxical and it's outrageous and it's all true not in my will but i will be done so let's not be so invested in our uniqueness and our specialness let's not be so invested in our difference can we embrace fully completely responsibly the fullness and all the and the complexity of all the of all our differences our unique and our uniqueness might be attached to it might be egoically identified with it if we could or if we can then we would create a different world space together i think free from conflict you know the less focused on less consciously or unconsciously narcissistically focused on our uniqueness that we are the more the room the more room there is inside us to notice uniqueness of other people mother of other beings we're less narcissistically self-consciously self-focused and self-obsessed it's a different kind of as it did there's a different kind of intersubjective experience is felt between us between human beings when when narcissism and self-absorption is transcended by a couple of few people and when they come together and truly see each other there's there's what arises is a mutual is is a much greater place a much greater depth of mutual appreciation and recognition of the glory and the beauty and the ecstasy and the specialness of being human being a self-conscious human being the best possible sense of what that means this happens when we realize there's nothing between us there's nothing between us there's nothing that's keeping us separate anymore when that happens there's love and there's trust and in love and trust is adoration of the other naturally and spontaneously and interestingly enough we don't fall in love with each other's differences as much as we may appreciate those differences and respect them and honor them but we fall in love with our non-difference that's the source of the deepest human intimacy in my experience is to falling in love with oneself one's true self in the in the face hearts all mind soul and mind of the other that's the greatest experience of intimacy ecstatic human intimacy and non-duality so the goal is natural and self-conscious not polluted by ego what would it be like to be you what would it be like to be me what would it like to what would it be like to be us if we were in a natural state free from self-consciousness free from narcissistic self-distraction so much becomes possible then you